I just got back last night from two days at camp with my students. It was an exhausting, wonderful, and difficult experience all at one time. It was wonderful to see my students grow and bond from this unifying experience. They got to do a series of mental and physical challenges like kayaking, ropes courses, rock climbing walls, archery, fishing, and hiking.
It was difficult because mentally and emotionally I had to face some things about myself. I am a planner and a perfectionist. I like to always be prepared. Now as a teacher, I think trying to be as prepared as possible is always a good thing. One of my goals now that I am back from the camp is to sit down and make a chaperone backpack with a more detailed first aid kit and more detailed procedures. We only had a few incidents to deal with at camp, but overall for the future I would like to be more prepared.
But I was reminded how uncomfortable I am with uncertainty. I am a planner and an overachiever. I rarely leave any detail unplanned for. I put enough pre-thought into things that I also usually handle the unforeseen very well. I was also the kid who avoided the things I was not good at because it meant being uncomfortable. I have never handled failure well.
Last night when I got back from camp, I read this post from Mind Full Collective entitled "
Embracing the Breaking." Have you ever read a post that spoke to you on every level? God has a way of showing his message in every aspect of your life if you take the time to listen. In the post, Mandy writes "In order to go deeper, sometimes we have to get comfortable in the very uncomfortable places." I rarely let myself get uncomfortable. I bury the uncomfortable emotions. I am not comfortable with uncertainty. This is the root of my trust issues. I stand on my own. I do it all myself. Trusting means allowing for uncertainty.
God has been giving me the same message for months in different ways. I need to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. I need to let go long enough to break. If I ever want to work through the difficult moments from my past, I have to be broken. If I allow myself to be broken, then God can meet me at that moment. But being broken requires surrender and trust. If I am truly honest with myself, I trust myself more than anyone else...even God. I leave things at the altar, only to run back and pick them up again. I don't trust enough to leave them there and walk in faith. At the root of that lack of trust is fear. I am not sure what that fear is, but I learned over the last two days watching my students that we have to face our fears. We have to be willing to climb the wall or cross that ropes course and trust that the harness will catch us if we slip.
